To understand the tantrums, we have to go back many years ago. When we lived in the caves we were in constant danger, we had to build our shelter, our clothes and hunt to be able to eat. That was a very exciting life! For the kids it was great, all day with their parents learning how to do all these things, we had to be very attentive to everything because living or dying depended on that. Anger and fear were the emotions that saved our lives many times, they made us run faster, stronger, have the courage to defend ourselves from other animals.
Currently, we no longer live in a threatening world where animals chase us to eat, but our brains did not evolve as fast as the world has and that is why we still have what we call the primitive brain or amygdala. We still look for strong emotions, it is our nature to feel more alive. When we are calm, that brain is asleep, but it wakes up when it feels that its environment is threatened, that it is not reliable or that it is hostile.
When we watch an action movie, it's great! Feeling that excitement, no? Well, for a lot of kids, making Mom or Dad angry is very exciting! Believe me!
In people who feel attacked, this brain wakes up very frequently.
When you yell, scold or attack physically or verbally, what you do is awaken that primitive brain in the other person, and also you are thinking with that brain, this is not the time to solve problems, give teachings or act, I assure you. Anger, fear, and disappointment are emotions that make us suffer.
That is why one of the best reactions we can have in front of a person who is very angry is to have compassion and practice deep listening.
If that shouting or words that he is saying take you out of control and awakes your primitive brain, it is best to get away from the situation saying, excuse me, I'm getting angry, I like to be treated with respect, When I feel better, and I calm down we can solve this problem. If you are not in a positive position, stay away, do not make your internal wound bigger. By nature, we distance ourselves from what makes us feel bad, do not make your child move away from you. But if in the situation you believe that you can contain yourself, be compassionate and be an instrument of peace for your child, the best thing you can do is stay and listen to him, so you can help him to reduce that internal suffering and find peace. Do not feel threatened by the anger of your son, he is suffering, he doesn’t know what he is saying, and he really needs you, sometimes a hug and stay there in silence is enough. Or, you can also use the robot method. I see that you are very angry because ... I understand you, I understand you, of course, tell me more, I understand you. This is difficult because of our mirror neurons, when we have someone angry in front of us we repeat that emotion inside us, but if you already understand that he is suffering, that he needs you and that you can control your own emotions, maybe you can help him. So the next time you have conflicts in your home, try to not wake up your primitive brain and try to reduce the suffering of the others. Conflicts are only ended through communication! Talking to your children when they are receptive is the best tool you can have. I hope this will help you to have a better quality of life and better relationships with your loved ones.
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